That's how I feel... *smiley* :) I don't know how else to describe it.
I feel... peaceful... relaxed... joyful but oh so mellow in it. I'm smiling as one would smile when they have a secret and feel good about it. I feel hopeful, yet I am content with where I am at, not needing 'this moment' to hurry on by for any reason; not using hope to usher me on to a moment better than this one. Nothing major has altered in the world around me... but it has inside of me. It's as though pressure has been released from my heart. :)
I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling at present is "I'm in love..." Yeah, that's what it feels like. Remember that first touch, that first kiss, that moment when your heart rejoiced over that new love, in knowing that such love was returned to you in equal measure, and you were both free to celebrate it with all that you are...? That's how I feel. And I feel that with God. :)
Driving the kids to school this morning, *two songs of the same album [as noted at bottom of letter...] brought me to tears, as they played in the car's CD player. Both of which reached deep into the core of my heart, opened my eyes to how gracious God truly has been to me, releasing deep gratitude, and awaking me to a more intense awareness of God's tender, yet passionate, love...and that's when I felt as though the pressure had been released.
This is how it used to be with me and God. This love. This intimate relationship. This heart-felt "I love you, too..." bond we possess and both willingly share. Only now do I remember how close we once were, and how far away I had pushed Him because of the silent anger within.
I still wonder why I became so angry with God. All I can see is that I did an "Adam" (as in Adam and Eve) and, pointing my critical finger at God, said, "Hey, YOU gave me 'this' 'that' and 'them'..." but I don't feel that anymore. Since confronting the anger, recognising it for what it is and that it was in me, and accepting it is MY anger, and MY issues that needed dealing with, and choosing not to take the anger any further, or to use it against anyone, I have no desire to blame God for anything, and I can now see it wasn't His fault anyway. :)
It feels so great to be close to Him again. And to be able to hear Him more clearly again... :) No more sticking my fingers in my ears and saying 'blah blah blah' as I close my eyes tightly - as I was automatically doing most of the time while the anger was eating at me. No more 'woe is me' in regards to yesterday, but 'sigh... thank God for "today"...' I'm viewing things differently now. Nothing seems as much as a burden as it has been. My strength is returning. Hope has grown, also.
An example of viewing things differently: This morning, after dropping the kids off at school, I drove by Wyong T.A.F.E (Tertiary And Further Education) and ached over the thought of not studying something - anything. As you may recall, I entered this year planning to do a counseling course. I was so excited over it. I wanted it so bad. The plan was to do the course, become a counselor, and work two days a week... but, for a couple of reasons, I decided it was best for me to cancel. I was brokenhearted over canceling that course. But then I moved to accept 'this is just how it has to be' and buried the disappointment.
Today, while aching over the thought of not studying anything, I rushed to shove that emotion back down, and, as I did, I received the question, "That saddens you?" I couldn't deny it. "Yeah... it does..." *attempts to shake off sadness* Then the question, "What would you study if you could...?" I pondered that question for awhile, in light of becoming aware of how I would spend my life if I only had one year left to live (as mentioned in the last letter), and I figured the only thing I would need to study for that is God's heart. And the thought of that had me all but leaping out of the driver's seat (no pun intended ;) ) with joy, hope and excitement.
It was then that I realised that, once, I shoved the disappointment down and moved on - or so I thought - but now that God has me facing what is taking place inside me, the disappointment which kind of chained me to something now dead, released me and my heart was restored through new hope. I now see more clearly that God doesn't want me ignoring my reactions, heartache, disappointment, anger and so on. Rather, He wants me to learn how to deal with them. Burying and denying saw me let go of hope. Finding a solution - even if it is not what was initially desired - enables hope to live on, and new dreams, and perhaps better dreams, to come to life, without negative emotions digging a grave for my soul and the peace, joy, hope and love it should possess.
I tried to ignore reactions through the hope of being a better person, doing better, and so on, but now I know confronting internal issues is the way to go. Only, I'm not relying on my emotions or my own understanding - or lack thereof - to solve my problems. I'm relying on God's.
When I was a fairly knew Christian (almost 20 years ago now) - as I may have told you before; please forgive me if I have - God placed on my heart, "If your father had it in his power to heal you, would he...?" I hesitated, but more because I was stunned to 'hear' (in my spirit) God's voice so clearly, then replied, "...Yes." He then asked, "If your father had it in his power to give you everything you need, would he?" I didn't hesitate on that issue. "Yes." God then asked (in spirit), "And if you had a problem, and your father had it in his power to solve it, would he?" "Yes," I replied, to which God clearly, soberly, and warmly stated, "So would I..."
Another time God placed on my heart, "Donna, everyone is allowed to react however they want, but you bring your every emotion to Me..." and when I told Him (sometime later) that wasn't working, He said, "Bring them to Me before you claim them as your own..." But I was burying. I thought by ignoring emotions, I was handing them over to Him, but I know now that I wasn't. I was ignoring them, as best I could. But He doesn't want me to ignore them. He wants to teach me how to deal with them - the emotions and the issues, and then move on with hope, peace, joy, faith and love still intact, all the while living... So, hopefully, I'll get the hang of that now, and continue to grow in spirit and in truth...
Well, I've much more to chat about, but this letter has turned out to be longer than I would've wanted it to, so I'll sign off here and be back again tomorrow... I hope. :) I also hope that I made sense. :) Let me know if I haven't. Please.
Until next time we connect, know that you are loved...
God bless you endlessly and bountifully, in every area of your life.
All my love
PS. Thank you for listening... :)
Oh, and while I'm here... Is there anything you want to ask me...??? :)
* TWO SONGS ~ by Francesca Battistelli
1. Beautiful ~ http://youtu.be/JbCfyZHSQbE
2. Forever Love ~ http://youtu.be/VPlvDtpYi_g