It's somewhat interesting watching my emotions play. The habit of 'bury them!' is quick to direct my mood, but I know I need to deal with my reactions rather than allow the emotion to go deep in me, where it will fester and become distorted overtime. I think the most interesting thing I've seen is that when I start to feel vulnerable, and really do not wish to be seen by the world - where I'd prefer to be ignored and not open my heart for anyone to see - anger is quickly stirred and seeks to defend and protect the vulnerable side of me. Which tells me that, in this case, anger is a defense mechanism... Interesting... It's seeking to protect the softer side of my heart. It wants to defend me.
Because I'm aware of such reactions now, I'm not allowing my heart to be hardened by the anger. Don't get me wrong, I do want to. But as my goal is to be rid of anger and to love from a tender heart, I am doing my best to not buy into it. I am becoming more apt at handing emotions to God, but I don't turn away from it, ignoring it, hoping it will simply subside or slip away. Rather, I am seeking wisdom and am now interested in how to deal with it. I want to learn. I want to understand the way emotions, and this heart of mine, react, and why... I'm very intrigued by 'automatic' responses now.
I am amazed at how big a roll anger has been allowed to play in my heart. No wonder my heart has hardened over the years.
I am looking at anger's behaviour with stunned amusement. I am also wondering why you didn't tell me I was such an angry person! lol...! Yeah, you're right; I wouldn't have responded favourably to being told such a thing... Sorry about that. :)
Well, at the moment, I am not denying the anger; I am not using the anger to stand guard of the softer sides of my heart (even though I sooooo want to); I am not sinning in my anger; I am not using, nor wanting to use, anger to strike out at anyone (though I have to act quickly to stop myself from doing that every now and then...) ...I am watching with amusement, surprise and intrigue. I am watching my reactions as though I am detached from them (as best I can while I'm tempted to run hard and fast with them) and I am remaining open to God, in order to have my heart corrected, grow in wisdom and understanding and healing.
Well, I wanted to study, I guess part of studying God's heart is to have greater insight into the human heart and its moods and responses - which has me wishing I had been able to do a counseling course! But don't get me started on that again! lol...! Nah, I'm ok. My eye twitches a little on knowing there's still disappointment in my heart that needs dealing with (re the course I felt I needed to cancel), but I am more than willing to have God teach me more on human nature, that's for sure.
Anyway... I have to go... but I will add that I quite enjoy having my focus set on gaining understanding into the human heart, my heart and the cause of the reactions therein - far more than I enjoyed trying to deny emotions and reactions. :)
Until later... be blessed, be great, be YOU! :)