Where does one begin? Where does one find the motivation to rise up out of a slump and achieve their desired goal? How does one hold on to that motivation? How does one deem that goal worth the trouble when it belongs to oneself...?
Sometimes I sit here and wonder "How did I come to this...?" How did I find myself so overweight? without a goal? with this sense of hopelessness? asking myself what's the point and never finding an answer.... And I look back over the path I've travelled, and I can see the closed doors, the judgement and criticism, the disappointment in another's eyes, the rejection, the ridicule, and things in the like, and I can sense the ache each of these moments left me with. And I can feel the weight in my heart that brings my soul to its knees, with head and shoulders lowered, as I agree, "It's not worth it. I'm not worth it..." and I wonder if I'll find the strength tomorrow morning to get up and watch another day pass me by.
And I wonder if I'll ever feel inspired or motivated again...and seriously doubt I will.
Presently, as I ponder these things, wondering where, when, and why, I reach for the biggest ache within. The one that stops me from rising up and going again; that stops me from trying. And I find it doesn't just effect my weight or my health, or the desire to look after myself, but the desire to interact with others, to tidy my house, to write, to take photos - to do anything I once found passion for, actually. And what I find linked to the heaviest ache of all, are the closed doors and the denied dreams. And there are so many of them.
In the depths of this ache, I find myself wondering why I should bother. Why should I bother trying? Why should I bother to look after myself? Why should I bother to lose weight? to write that novel? to write that testimony? to reach for that dream? that desire? to try to find my place in a church, even? to get involved with others? and so on and so forth. And I cannot find the answer.
Actually, I do find an answer. I find the answer that life has given me over the years: Don't bother... there will only be another closed door; more rejection; more people telling you not to, or that you can't or shouldn't, and seeking to have you deny your passions in order to fulfil their agendas... This answer is the truth I have known all my life. It speaks more clearly to me than anything else, because it is the truth I've known; the truth I've been faced with just about every single time I've stepped out to achieve something.
But... I'm not happy with this answer. This truth I've known. It has become little more than a tomb from which I find I am not strong enough to break out of...
In this place, I find another year passes and I am no closer to fulfilling dreams designed long ago. Another year passes and I find myself heavier than when the year started. Another year passes and I find myself a little more lonely; a little more sad; a little more hopeless; a little less willing to enter another year; a little more doubtful of my reasons for living. And I have to wonder where I will be twelve months from now... and I see that if I continue on this path I'm on, I'm just going to be another year older, heavier than what I am now, lonelier, sadder... and so on and so forth.
I don't want depression to be my future...
Anyway... I could go on forever talking of where I'm at and why, but I've been in this place for long enough. I want to rise up out of the slump I'm in, not invite you into it. I need to get motivated. I need to find inspiration... so, I'm going looking for those things, starting today. I will do my best to record this journey here. God knows I'm worried that I will lose motivation for writing this, too, and wonder why I should bother... but if you want to keep me accountable, or if you simply want to see what the result would be if I stick to it, then feel free to write and 'push me', or encourage me, at email@example.com
For now... I'm starting with this: http://zenhabits.net/get-off-your-butt-16-ways-to-get-motivated-when-youre-in-a-slump/ "Get Off Your Butt: 16 Ways to Get Motivated When You’re in a Slump"
Be back soon... Well, that's the plan...