I've been sitting here since 5am, trying to express my soul through the written word, and have managed to start part 6 of a short story I'm working on, and a devotional I wanted to put forward in order to share a Scripture that just spoke to my heart, but I'm struggling again.
I have lost count of how many months it's been now, where I have struggled to write. Passion calls me to do so. I don't have a problem with wanting to... But, gee, doesn't the flow continually get blocked.
It's quite frustrating actually. I have all these thoughts and emotions I desire to express and share, but it's as though every time I step forward to do so, a door is slammed in my face... Oh, obviously I have managed to write a few things over the past several months, but nothing like I used to. And week after week I've found myself wanting to head-butt something because of it.
I've cursed and hissed and wrestled and struggled, but still, the flow that once was mine simply won't come... even this morning. Even in writing this I'm tempted to give in to frustration and ride that wave until my passion is spent on that, if nothing else! But then I'm reminded to go easy on myself. To stop placing expectations on myself that do not have to be there. And that once again highlights the work God has been doing in me for the past several weeks.
Actually, He's probably been trying to straighten me out in this area for years, only I didn't realise it until this latest season I've entered where I seem to be set apart from much of my social life.
You see, when finances dictated to me that I had to spend less time doing favourite pass-times, I was somewhat saddened by it, and could've slipped into self-pity mode in a big way, but handed it over to God and trusted that He'd make all things good for us. And now I see that He's been doing what He seems to do best: Bringing healing and freedom and peace to my soul.
In this season where I seem to have been cut off from many and much, I realised I couldn't change or control circumstances so I had one of two choices. I either whined and groaned and carried on, or I sought peace in the midst of my trials. Handing anxiety over to God enabled Him to guide me to areas in my day to day life that brought peace with it - such as taking photos of birds that landed in my yard.
In the midst of peace, which was handed to me in the midst of what could've been viewed as chaos, I could hear God in my soul again - nowhere near as clearly as I once did ( and will again) but enough to know that He was fixing something in my life and in my heart, and working to make all things right for me, even when I had been too busy to acknowledge Him.
Long story short: Circumstances forced my hand, taking control from me. I let go and asked God to deal with what was going on. I then had to simply take each day as it came, and each time I wanted to take back control, I had to remind myself "it" was now God's concern, not mine, and whatever would be would be. Through this season, God gave me something to do each day (another unexpected bird in my front yard to photograph, for example) that brought great peace with it, and while I was "busy" enjoying that peace - like a child at play, while their parent took care of life and them - God worked His wonders, and brought greater healing and freedom to my soul.
One of the things He moved to free me of - and He has been working on this one in my stubborn soul for quite sometime now, I see - is the way I've felt like I've either had to apologise to the world for my life choices or move to alter my character to suit others in my life.
It's become oh so clear to me of late that the circumstances that forced my hand may have initially appeared to the human eye as bad fortune, or a curse even (and to the overly spiritual it would've appeared to be the result of my sins) but God revealed the blessing these circumstances possessed. My hand seemed to be forced, but through it came answers to a prayer.
I no longer feel the need to serve man's list of dos and don'ts in my life. I no longer feel the need to apologise for living my life. I now see that God has been trying to reveal to me for a long time that my need to withdraw from society often, to be alone, to do what I do, is what I need to do in order to be the writer He created me to be.
For most of my life, I have struggled with who I am because others have expected something else of me. I have repeatedly struggled to be "better", to be different, to please. I have struggled with this so much I have had to remove myself from certain places and people because I found the stress of not being able to be who and what they wanted me to be too much of a burden for me to cope with. Now I realise I was fighting against my own nature, and the reason it was so difficult was because it was not God's will to rid myself of certain characteristics. It was man's.
Coming to peace with who I am, of late, has become so much easier now that certain voices have been removed from my life - and they were removed only because "circumstances" made it so - circumstances I initially believed would tear me down. Circumstances God used to build me up...
* Circumstances may appear to be devastating at first, but in God's hands they can, and will be, transformed into something of great beauty, that will bring far more peace and freedom to your soul than you could ever hope for....
* The parts of your character you're trying to change, with the hope of pleasing "man" and/or fitting in, may very well be the parts of your character that God made for a purpose; that He made to support your giftings, and your calling. Ask Him about them - not ego, whether that ego be yours or someone else's...
When I was pondering such things this morning, and struggling to write, God impressed upon my heart that I was having a hard time expressing myself because I still felt as though I have to explain my actions. And I don't. I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do now, because I know God is at peace with such things. It is He who has given me the freedom to be myself... In fact, a couple of days ago He shared with me this empowering thought I will leave you to ponder: Come Judgement Day, I will be held responsible for being true to God and what He desired of me, not for living up to, or down to, "man's" expectations, even if that "man" may appear to be highly spiritual.
See you soon, I hope.
All my love,