Have you ever felt the need to apologise for being you? for being alive, even? I have. Often. For most of my life, actually. I grew up intensely fearful of everyone and everything, as you know, and such things have followed me way into adulthood. I still struggle with it. However, recently, while God's arranged for me to come aside through circumstance and prompting, I've been released from more of that fear.
These past few weeks, God has worked on my confidence. He has opened my eyes to why certain parts of my lifestyle must be a certain way, in order for me to use the talents He's given me. He has also moved my heart big time to enable me to not only welcome, but embrace and live the passion that He has created in my soul. He has enabled me to accept ME and no longer apologise to the "disappointed friend" for being me.
Basically, He's had enough of me bowing to the opinions of others, of me fearing "man", of me giving up, pulling away, and denying what I am called to do, in order to appease the voices of the self-righteous, judgemental and arrogant bullies of the world. God has had enough of me bowing to man, so He allowed circumstances to force me to enter a quiet time with Him, where He opened my eyes to what I needed to see, and now I am rejoicing in a newfound freedom that comes from knowing that I seriously do not need to heed the voices of manipulation. In His mercy and grace, God has given me the strength to look those "voices" in the eye, and deny their ego, without feeling as though I'm doing something wrong when I am not.
That's not been easy for me, but, finally, it is being done. And this all came clear to me in this time where circumstances and promptings moved me to come aside from much of my social life and spend more time with God.
And this is what I seek to share with you:
There are things in your life and heart that you have been trying to deal with for so long, but they've clung to you like oil on cotton and will not be removed. Oftentimes, you've gone to "man" to seek answers and understanding, and while that is not a bad thing to do at times, too much of it has simply fed their ego or served to keep you comfortable in your misery.
However, you don't really like that fear, discomfort, heartache and misery that really does plague you at times. Deep down, beyond the fear of not knowing what lays on the other side of healing, you do seek to be healed, whole and free. But while God will use others to encourage you from time to time, true freedom comes from seeking God first, not man, not a leader, not someone you desire to have love you. In truth, all this leaning on "man" has led you to great frustration because you've imprisoned yourself in the shadow and control of others.
We need to come aside from life every now and then and bask in God's presence. We need to do this until the voices of man are more silent than God's still small voice. We need to trust our heart and life to God, without placing any "man" between us and God. We are to seek God first, not man. And I encourage you to do that now. Don't wait until circumstances force you to do that, as they did with me and my stubborn soul. Seek God in the quiet moments of your life - away from the internet, away from social scenes (especially where expectations are placed on you), away from man's opinions, and pointed fingers - and wait on Him to speak the words you need to hear. And then you shall find the understanding that will usher in peace and confidence, and enable joy, hope, faith and love to shield you from that which often comes to tear you down again. Then you shall know true freedom - the freedom that Christ died to set you free for.
On the other side of quiet times with God, there is a greater understanding, confidence, peace, healing and freedom than you've ever known. And the more quiet times you have with Him, seeking to hear His truth about life, love and the universe ;) the more of these things your soul will possess.
You've lived in the control and shadows of others for far too long. Seek God first... and know true peace... You may lose so-called friends over doing this, but that may not be a bad thing; just wish them well, in love, and go your way in peace - with God.
Love and blessings