I can't say I like this place I've been taken to today. It's pretty obvious to me that the part of my heart that buried sadness has been tapped into. That which I once buried ~ the disappointment, disillusionment, brokenness, so on and etc ~ that left me feeling so vulnerable and frightened, alone and somewhat lost and rejected, wants to be made known, it seems. I don't like it. I'd rather bury it behind anger. I feel like a small child trying to hide from danger of some sort, and I hate it.
Right now, I wish I had never prayed to be free of all fear... I have to remind myself that God only gives me what I'm strong enough to cope with; that He makes things known to us for our healing and freedom. I need to keep reminding myself that this is for my good... and I have to remind myself fervently, because my emotions are screaming the exact opposite at me.
Suddenly, I remember those moments of long ago that left me haunted in some way. It's not the incidents that caused such emotions to take hold of me, but the feelings that were left behind that are being brought into the light.
During my walk with God, I've been healed of much heartache. So much so that I've been able to forgive and hold no grudges, possess no more tears over "incidents", and be left standing very detached (in a good way) from times of old; no longer broken because of them... but I have also seen over the years that there are often deep roots that need to be tended to, as well, and I believe God's just tapped into those. The 'roots' that continue to alter one's perceptions and decisions in life... and, in my case, are the foundation of the fears I possess.
I hate this, I confess. I want to hide in the dark, pulling the blankets over my head and deny my own existence. But I know God... I know He loves me, and has allowed this only for healing purposes. He wants me totally free of all that binds, even more than I do... I have to trust Him... I do trust Him... He will set me free... no matter what this sense of dread is telling me.
Friend, I can't stay long this time as I feel more vulnerable than ever... and I don't want to focus on that which is keeping me unnerved, but on He who will calm the storm and have me rejoicing more than I ever have...