I had a breakthrough moment a couple of nights ago, on reading a poem ( http://www.redbubble.com/people/chelei/writing/7253093-the-woman-in-the-mirror-ii#comment-42436421 ) by a friend on RedBubble.com
In this poem, the woman is two people: Her younger self, and her present day self. As I am reading it, I could so relate to it, and I came to see that I was still holding on to a great deal of disappointment towards not doing the counseling course I had hoped to do this year. You see, I'd walked out of depression at the end of 2009 and stepped into 2010 with the realisation that the Empty Nest was soon approaching, and that left me feeling somewhat empty. I thought the course would fill that spot.
Since I was about 12 years old, all I wanted was to be a mum. Religion was for hypocrites. Marriage was for hypocrites. I didn't need a job, a career, or any other material possession. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. That was my plan: Grow up and become a mum.
My first serious boyfriend said no to me having a child, so he and I soon went our separate ways. I gave my next serious boyfriend the option of a baby or no sex. I got my baby. :) My beautiful, and greatly longed for daughter was born three weeks before my 19th birthday. She was, and is, and will always be known as my first dream come true.
My other babies came soon after I handed my broken life over to God and asked Him to help me start again. I was 27 when I married Tim, and we had three babies in the first three years of our marriage. In those three years I went from being a single mother of one, to being a mother of four and a stepmother of two, and there was a lot of mixed emotions from all of us that needed to be dealt with one way or another during that time... but, all in all, motherhood was what I longed for, and loved, and was happy with, above all else.
So as the empty nest approached, I fretted, wondering what I would do now. 'Mum' was the ultimate goal in my life, and basically all I knew... and all I wanted. I started Winged Hope (on Facebook - a friendship group) but soon was drawn to studying psychology, which led to thoughts of becoming a counselor. I was very excited over filling the 'emptiness' with that, and using it to help others with heart issues, as best I could. But, alas, it didn't come to pass. But it's not just the canceling of the course that weighed heavily upon my heart, it's more a case of not believing I have a part in this world; that I am of any great use; that I have something to contribute to society.
Recently, I've come to see that I get to take my 'achievements' to heaven with me: My children. I will know them eternally. And that blesses me greatly - more than words can explain or emotion can express. Yet, I still feel like I'm useless. But on cancelling the course I buried that sensation, pushing it under the carpet with other disappointments and emotions I've collected over the years. However, on reading that poem I only just realised how greatly disappointed I was in myself; how much I let myself down. And, in not living up to my own expectations, I've taken hold of anger and it's aimed at me... and it's aimed at God. BUT, on reading that poem, I wept, because I realised I HAVE achieved what I wanted above all else, and I wouldn't have life any other way if it meant not having my kids. So, I forgave myself for being a 'loser', lol, and forgave God for the closed doors in my life and for allowing me to be me! (Actually, I think I'm still working on the latter one!)
However, on writing this (this is my 4th attempt) I realise there's even more anger in me. It goes deeper than this. And it's time I faced it, no matter what it is, no matter where it leaves me, no matter what I need to face. I refuse to move on in life until this anger is dealt with. No more dreams. No more plans. It's time to face what lays deep within... and God will help me, and free me of it!
I'm ready, God... Open up my heart and confront me with it. Let's do this...