I write this with peace in my heart and a smile on my face. The sun is shining - after much rain - and though a head cold tries to bring me down, I'm happy to be alive. :)
This morning, after I dropped the kids off at school, I took myself out to the end of Yarramalong Valley, where I stopped at the petrol station/cafe there and, with a coffee and some banana bread, sat in the sun and read [The Shack, and Bible] for awhile. I wasn't the only one there, but it was peaceful nonetheless.
I had a few hours to kill this morning, not wanting to return home and just be silent while Tim slept after nightshift, so I stayed at the cafe awhile, took photos of the bunnies and chickens on the property there, then stopped at the Yarramalong cemetery. There are a lot of really old graves there, and looks out over some really pretty countryside... It was quite peaceful, actually. lol
When I see something 'historical' - like the old graves out there, I find myself wondering what life was like for the people who belonged to those things. And I find myself focusing on feeling them - or their spirits; imagining who they were, and so on.
This morning, 'feel them' came to me, being impressed upon my heart. And as I felt souls that no longer walked this earth, I felt sorrow. I felt the pain those who had come to say goodbye to those belonging to these graves would've felt. And as I thought, "I so don't want to focus on anything negative right now, God," I heard in my spirit, "Their pain is a reflection of their love." And the thought of 'their love' brought a bigger picture, and greater peace. They ached, because they loved... and now they are no longer separated by the walls of Life.
I walked on, meditating upon this, and feeling nature; feeling the sun; feeling the heat of winter's morning; feeling the energy of the world about me. As I did, I recalled how God asked me once, "If you could write a letter to everyone you know, what would you put in it?" to which I had replied, "I would look into the heart of each person, find their true self and beauty, and present that to them..." which God enabled me to do... And, on recalling this, this morning, I realised that, over time, I had hardened myself against doing this. I was resisting this gift/ability/honour God gave me, to the point of finding it offensive at times.
During the course of my travelling-all-over-the-countryside morning, I meditated upon what God was placing on my heart and, on realising I had hardened in this area, I wondered why I had. What I can gather, I hardened and pulled back in this gift/ability because of the critics in my life. I had had enough of the critics, the pointing fingers, the hardened brows, the judgemental spirits who claim they know what God wants for everyone's life - when really they do not - and in trying to close out their voices and opinions, I took hold of anger in order to give me strength to do that, but then that anger soon infiltrated other parts of my heart, as well, going on to cause me to act and react in ways love would prefer I didn't; urging me to close off and pull back from nearly everyone... without me realising I was doing that.
Anger: Emotional cancer...
Anyway... on I drove, back along Yarramalong Rd, out through Toukley (my hometown) then on to Soldiers Beach, still having time to kill before Tim was due to wake. When I first arrived, I decided to stay in the car, in the top carpark, where I could see the beach and get a few clear photos if I wanted. I soon noted the amount of people in the area and lost my peace.
Focusing on this, I had to ask God why I lost my peace. And what came back to me was that, in the spirit, I pick up on a lot of 'noise'. I don't hear it, but my spirit does. My 'flesh' becomes uneasy. Ok, I know this sounds a tad insane, lol, but you must remember that, as the saying goes, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." "Life" is just part of the journey, and some of us do dare to tap into the realm in which God dwells. We've lost touch with the spiritual side of life, and become so darn tuned in to our flesh and its nagging desires, that we've pushed our other senses into the back of our minds and only accept what we can see, hear, taste, smell and feel NOW - and, come on, be honest, we only want those sensations when they make us feel GOOD in some way!
Anyway, I pick up on the cries of the hearts around me, but I didn't realise it was that. Chances are you do, too...
My spirit/heart knew, but my flesh was saying "Too crowded" and translating 'cries of the heart' (from others) into 'noise!' and my flesh hated that sensation. I felt trapped. I lost peace. I lose peace when there are a lot of people around. When there's only one or two, I realise, I can focus on their hearts and find the beauty, but with a crowd I was losing sight of hearts, and beauty, and seeing people more like numbers that were crowding in around me, and causing a lot of 'noise' in "my" world, than with the beauty and value they truly possess.
So, what do you think came to me while I was sitting [hiding] in the car at the beach? Yep: "FEEL them..." And I did. One person at a time - as my eyes landed on them... And ya know what I felt the most? Their sadness. :/ And it came to me again, "Their sadness is a reflection of their love." And I looked at each person not through the noise that irritated me and my It's-all-about-me flesh, but as individuals, each with their own heart, their own story to tell, and their own dreams, hopes, losses, aches, and needs.
I got out of the car at that stage, feeling for each person in the immediate area, knowing God wanted each and every one of them to know that He hears their prayers; He hears the cries of their heart; He is there for them; He hasn't forsaken them as most of them believe... and He does love them, as the individuals they are, with all that He is. And I realised that, in allowing my heart to harden, I tie His hands when it comes to reaching out to others on His behalf. He sends me forth to offer love and hope in ways He has given my love and hope, and I've emptied my cup, refusing to give drink to the thirsty - so to speak... because of anger.
How can I reflect His love for them, if I harden my heart with anger? How can I show another soul how valuable they truly are if I pull back from them? How can I help bring healing to a broken heart if I keep my heart locked behind a wall? I can't. But I want to.
I built a wall around my heart, wanting to resist the critics and their shallow souls, and caused my heart to close off to everyone in the process. What's worse, I failed to show God's love for 'man' because of this. I don't want that wall anymore... and the only way for me to be rid of it, is to 'feel them' - to feel the hearts of each individual, without allowing my fleshly senses to focus on the honed tongues of any critics, or any irritation it may pick up on when it starts feeling crowded. In fact, I need to feel the hearts of the critics, as well, for they obviously hide behind something. Something happened to them that caused their hearts to harden, too...
If nothing else, I can now better relate to the hardened hearts of the world, and meet them where they are at, with love - not further criticism and hardness... I hope...
Anyway, I best let you go... I have more to write on anger, for I am aware that a lot of anger took hold of my when I had an abortion. And so I am planning to write on that soon... but, for now... enjoy the rest of your day, my friend, and I will catch up with you soon.
All my love