Dear Friend,
I have started a letter to you many times over the last several days. I have 6 drafts sitting here waiting for me to return to them. Each draft was written with the intent of sharing with you where I am at, what's on my heart, and what God is revealing to me, but each time I've started to share such matters, something has come along to not only distract me but reviewing what it was I was believing and recording for you to see. When this occurs, I put my writing aside and plan on getting back to what I was doing, but I look at it again, consider it meaningless and toss it aside.
Two days ago I had written a lot - and that after biting my tongue on learning that part 3 of The Wrong Path that I wrote last week is nowhere to be found!! UGH!!! - and I had every intention of sharing, but, yep, a distraction came and had me meditating on such things at a deeper level. I won't go back over all the things I'd written, but I do pluck out one thing - and that's what God asked me on Wednesday morning...
You see, this week, with Tim being on afternoon shift for the first two days, and then off for three, I knew I wouldn't get much time to myself - if any - so I chose to get up an hour earlier than normal to seek God, without any distractions, while my household and my laptop and internet slept. I got my Bible out, seeking God, seeking His voice, seeking anything from Him, and what I spent most of my time doing was fighting sleep!
Wednesday morning came and I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower... as I stepped out of the shower God asked (in spirit; in my heart) "Why are you angry with Me?" to which I could offer nothing in return but shock... "I'm angry with You...?" I've learned enough over the years that when God sees something I don't, then I've been living in denial, so I willingly opened my heart and wanted it searched.
I shared this with Tim later, when we were out having a cuppa. His response surprised me - made me sit up and rethink what I was believing. He said, "Hang on... You've just been telling me God's not talking to you, but He said that...?" DOH! God HAS been talking to me. As I pondered this with stunned amazement, I looked and saw that, "Yes... God has been talking to me, but I've been ignoring Him..." but without realising it. Why would I do that? What would cause me to stop listening to Him...? Anger!
I actually felt freer in knowing this was going on inside me and that God was moving to heal whatever it was that was causing this anger. I repented for it and laid myself open to God to deal with it. But, ya have to wonder how open your heart is when you're automatically protecting it with anger, ay?
Anyway... as I was drafting a letter about this, for you, my pastor found me online and we discussed such things... It was a good discussion and one I did need. I felt better for it. Even figured I knew what to do now. I was fine with everything that had been revealed to me, and repented for my attitudes... However...
Come Thursday morning, and the anger had not merely returned, but rose up from its hidden place and was demanding compensation for God only knows what.
I spent Thursday trying to deny, deal with, bury, give over to God, cast off, damn this anger, and so on and so forth, biting my tongue the whole way through. Or, as Tim says, I may have been angry, but I didn't sin in that anger. It was there, just under the surface, ready to break forth at any given moment, but I didn't aim it at anyone.
This morning (Friday) I woke up to find my 'faithful friend', Anger, was still clinging to me. I begrudgingly got out of bed and climbed into the shower. Not wanting to go through another day like yesterday, I said, "Ok, God, let's just face it shall we... Why am I angry with You...? Why am I angry!" No response...
Sitting here at my table, trying to read through weary eyes, I found I couldn't focus on Jesus' teachings as much as I would've liked to, as the anger was demanding a soapbox. So I wrote down my thoughts - and I wrote them as they came. The following is the honest version, with all its ugliness... I penned the following with honest emotion and reaction, with the hope of God finding the source of the anger and setting me free of it....
Ok, God, why am I so angry with You...?
ANGER:
pulls back // turns away from
refuses to listen // defends self
closes off // attacks others
denies // crucifies
rejects // damns
Is this just hormones, God? a collection of anger/irritation I've gathered over the years? Pride?
Is that what's blocking the flow for writing? Me being angry?
Where did it come from and how do I get rid of it?
A N G E R
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Selfishness
Failing to get one's own way
Wanting perfection but not finding it
Is that it, God? I expected/wanted perfection by certain people (authorities) but never got it, so was ticked off by that????
Tis selfish of me, no?!! (I think so!!!!)
Lord, give me perfect understanding.
Please.
They expected/wanted perfection, but only if it was given how they wanted it?
I'm angry with all those who have - at one time or another - played God in my life??? and after I've bowed to them, they have proven themselves to be less than perfect???
Angry with self for never achieving perfection? Or anything else, for that matter!
Oh... (mild realisation) so, re anger: I can confess it, I can feel the conviction, I can even sweep it all under the carpet again, but that is NOT helping with the healing...
[More wondering... not penned. Again trying to focus on Jesus' teachings... Then...]
I take my eyes off God and place them on man's imperfections and hypocrisy...?
[More reading... and I come across -- ]
John 6:30
"Jesus' judgement is righteous, because He does not seek His own will but the will of the Father who sent Him..."
[Pause... meditate on these things... then --]
All my life it seems people have been trying to make me be like them, and I've had enough. I don't want to be in their boxes - I used to bow to them, and alter self to serve, but I now hate those who try to do this to me. [And, yes, that was written with anger!]
What is the solution, God.......?
What is my problem...?
They question my motives?
This has taken its toll...?
I want justice...????!
I want vindication...???????!!!!
!!!! I WANT them to shut the hell up!!!!!!!! [JACKPOT!]
[Then...]
6 -7 am: MY time.
no family
no 'net
just me, God (and honesty, I hope!)
Tim gets up about 6:30
I'm far from impressed
MY TIME!
MY TIME!
MY TIME!
I say nothing to Tim, preparing to get up and go back to bed [I'm running with earnest emotions and reactions, rather than trying to bury them under the carpet again, because I want God to deal with them and free me of this, not because I was longing to embrace the anger... just had to be real for ME to see, if not God...] letting Tim have this space.... He potters around, says nothing - I'm biting my tongue, not appreciating the distraction - then he suddenly goes back to our room - without a word from either of us.
[More self-evaluation time:]
Why was I so angry...?
[spend time doodling as I ponder this...]
[Trying to discover why I was angry with Tim in this matter. It's easy to say I was being selfish, but that's the result of what's going on inside me, and "bandaid" fixes ain't gonna help anyone!!!! SOBER REFLECTION! HONEST REACTIONS! NO BURYING OR DENYING THIS TIME!!!]
Why am I angry?
He made "MY" hour about him?
It didn't matter what I wanted, just what he wanted!
[As I sit and ponder all this, unable to focus on the Bible, I rest my chin on my hand and 'my precious hour' starts to fade from thought as I start to doze off...! but then I receive an image: Someone is sitting in the back of a car. I am in the front seat. The Driver's seat - no pun intended... not from me anyhow. (God???) I am on my knees, facing the back seat and rising up and forward in order to move to please them. I am their whore. I am their personal prostitute. We both look to where "I" am watching this scene from. The person in back seat owns me - basically - and they have their hand on my mouth... I am, I feel, the silent whore.... I instantly awake and know in my heart this is the foundation of my anger. So I record the following:]
They want the hooker? The silent hooker.
She does what they want; what pleases them and satisfies their will.
They want me to behave/playact in a way that suits them.
They don't want me. They only seem to want me because they see me as their own personal whore, who will do THEIR will and feed THEIR ego! And I'm angry with God over this because [I feel] that's all He created me to be: "THEIR" WHORE...! A voiceless, selfless/giving, obedient whore -- and that's what they want the Bride of Christ to be...
I write, and share this, with honesty. I am not proud of any anger I possess. I am aware of the grace and mercy I have been given, by God, in regards to my sin and sinfulness. I'm not stupid. I know my reactions and attitudes are not beautiful... but I'm being honest. I HAD TO BE HONEST in searching my heart, and to continue to deny certain reactions was only proving to bury the anger and not have the issues I carry seen to.
I realise this letter leaves me looking far from attractive... but right now, I don't care. I am not a whore who needs to look good for those who want to use me to serve their needs or mood. I am not a whore who dresses one way and inside sees myself as another -- ah, yes I am!!!
When Ps Steve spoke to me the other day, he mentioned the word "Integrity"...and I was happy that he did, because I'd been saying to God a lot lately, "What does integrity look like?" I had been wondering about it... Now - just now, on writing this; on writing "I am not a whore who dresses one way and inside sees myself as another" - I realise I have been doing just that. This is not integrity... The world wants the sweet Donna. I've been trying to tell people for years I'm not sweet. I hate being called sweet. But that's the one they see. That's the one they want. So I deny - as best as I can - reactions and actions that don't paint me to be sweet, just so I can please 'them'... but here I am, with make-up washed off, high heals kicked aside, and wearing nothing but rags, openly declaring the angry side of my heart! If integrity means to display on the outside what's on the inside, then, here I am, being far more real than ever - especially to myself!!!
Why does Donna not get involved anymore? Why does Donna back away? Why does Donna not do this or that? Why does Donna react that way? BECAUSE I AM PISSED OFF!!!
I've gotten to a place where I've had enough. I either have to pull away from the world or risk breaking out in intense anger. I bite my tongue; I bury my reactions; I deny what I'm feeling... with the hope of being what 'they' want, need and expect; with the hope of pleasing and with the hope of being SWEET! I have willingly played the silent whore! And I'm angry with myself for doing this!!!!
I never realised I was doing this until this morning. But I look back and find it is so true... I denied ME for 'them'. I became what 'they' wanted... At first I was more than happy to. I would bend over backwards to please. I would alter my personality and heart to suit. I wanted to please. I wanted to serve. I wanted to be what 'they' thought I should be. I was happy to live in another's shadow, and so on and so forth... but it seems it HAS taken its toll over the years. The older I become, and the more I see 'they' do not have a right to treat me (or anyone else) this way the more I've hurried to hide my angry responses. Burying responses and the emotions attached have become an art form for me! Mind you, at times, I've failed to do hold back angry responses but soon altered my thoughts and heart to 'clear the air' and bury it all. And God has shown me that while I may have succeeded in burying reactions, they were still there, festering deeper within, and [subconsciously] causing me to react in ways Love would not have me react. This is why I can't write as I used to. This is why I can share my heart as I used to. This is why I ache to lock myself away from the world.
So, now, I accept all this IS in me! I knew I wasn't sweet, but I couldn't pinpoint why I so hated being called sweet. Now I know. Now I 'embrace' this, but only to own up to my guilt in it, and to confess my anger and attitude, so God can free me of it and I can become a better, more loving, merciful, 'sweet', person - or whoever it is I am beneath all this make-up!
Some will see and know that my love is true, others will read this and think my love was fake... but I did love. I do love. I rejoice in love. I want that to be the gift I give and reflect to the world, from God... Only, now I will be healed and freed so I may love completely...
"Father, thank You for causing me to confront this issue. Thank You for helping me honest... Yes, I still am pissed off with the 'thems' who insist on me being nothing but a whore to their egos; yes, I am pissed off with a lot of things... but I claim MY part in this, ask You to forgive me, help me to REALLY forgive 'them', and, in healing me, please, please, please, help me to really love, as You love..."
Dear "Them"... I'm sorry for my judgement of you... I really am...