Well, I did it, ay. I tapped into the anger that was buried deep within. I recognised it, and confessed it, for what it was - or is. I'm not proud of that, by the way. I was not impressed with myself to learn that I had kept all this anger inside. but the thing is, it was there, buried deeply, because I didn't want it, and, figuring ignoring it and denying it was the best way to rid myself of it, I swept it, along with disappointment and brokenness, under the carpet.
Now that it's been released, I've confessed it and I've repented for allowing it to judge others. I really hate that anger. I really hate judging, and judgement - especially when it comes from me. I know I'm a sinner. I know what I've done wrong in life, where I still get it wrong, and I know I'll mess up again today, and I know God is always there ready to offer mercy and grace, to forgive and set me free, and help me start again. So I prefer to offer mercy and grace to others, yet... the anger still resides in me.
I keep asking God to forgive me for it, every time it causes me to react, but I know I'm still trying to bury it again rather than deal with it. It's like I have a broken bone and it causes me grief every now and then, but life must go on and there are things that need doing, so I'll ignore it as best I can and keep going. But in 'going on' I'm irritating the bone even more, not allowing it to heal, and, at the same time, I'm trying to ignore the pain and getting frustrated by it.
Looking at it that way, I feel I am going to have to take time out of 'life' and truly heal. I think back to when I had that broken rib a couple of months ago. My gosh that was painful. I could barely move. I couldn't lay certain ways, bend certain ways, react certain ways, sneeze, cough, laugh and more. Try as I might to ignore it, and push through it to live 'normally', I ended up suffering even more with it. And the pain, at times, was unbearable. I find this anger is the same.
With this anger, I try to go on, and be 'normal', but something sets it off again. I want to be my 'self' - the me without the anger, without this brokenness, but it won't be ignored any longer.
I never went to the doctors with the rib. I knew there was nothing they could do for it, but offer painkillers and tell me to rest. So, I took pain killers and rested - praying I wouldn't sneeze or cough, and watching with amusement as my family found reasons for me to laugh. :) Now, with this, I know what to do. I don't believe and 'man' can help me, for it is at the hand and feet of man that I have collected this anger. For me, returning to the place where I was wounded and gained the anger would be like returning to my daughter and asking her to walk on my back again (which is how I broke my rib, lol) with the hope of it being pushed back into place?! No, for me, in my spirit, I know that's not going to work... I know I must take my moods and attitudes to God. I know Jesus heals. I know I have THE Counsellor to help me. I know where I must place my eyes and heart. Gee, it I still had more faith in man than I did God, I could very well have believed the world was going to end this weekend! lol! Oh, but don't get me started on that matter!!!! (Eyes to JESUS, people!)
I'm not sure if I ever told you, but, I was a man-pleaser. I feared 'man' and I wanted to please them. At times, over the years, I would snap and react to their heartlessness, but, for the most part, I just wanted to please. I wanted them to love and accept me, and I was willing to do whatever it took to have them do so.
However, when I tried to live this way as a Christian, seeking to do their will, trying to please, happy with legalism, God would speak to my heart and I would then run it by 'man', and if they didn't agree with that for my life, or in someway felt threatened by the Holy Spirit in me, they'd deny it was God's heart I heard, and I would believe them. Basically, I put 'man' before God. I didn't trust that I was hearing from God - even though I DID believe it. I didn't have the confidence to follow an unseen God before I followed a seen being who had the power to love and accept or reject and discard me in person. And each time this happened, each time I put man above God, I suffered for it. It was a difficult way to learn to trust I heard from God, and that I needed to trust my ability to hear from Him above my confidence in man, but it worked. the pain of it taught me to heed God's voice above man...
Oh, I just realised something on writing this... I lost confidence in 'man'. That's my greatest issue right now. That is what God's dealing with inside me. That is why I haven't been able to connect my heart to a church for several years; why I can't commit my hand to doing anything in a church; why I pull back from 'man'; why I can give my time and heart to some, but withdraw from receiving theirs: I have lost confidence in man...
Well... this is a new breakthrough for me. And you've just witnessed it. Part of me does not want to send this letter, because I so don't want 'man' to "rescue" me. I want the Counsellor to address this issue. I want Him to highlight what is going on in me, and to show me how to truly forgive, move on, and to love again - or to love more deeply. But part of me longs to send it because I want you to be witness to this.
I'm going to end this letter here, and wait on God. I know I've been too focused on the internet for the past couple of years, and I know I have sat here feeding my 'lack of confidence in "man"' at the foot of the internet, so I need to refocus. If I keep my eyes on God, I can love again. When I place them on man, the anger rises again. And when the anger rises, I get a "stuff it" attitude and turn away from God, not man. Dumb, huh? I didn't realise 'til now just how true this is, so, this time, in knowing, I am going to choose to turn off the net and focus on God more times than not. He is the true source of my peace, my joy, my healing, my ability to love and be loved, and all that is good. My lack of confidence in man is proving to be the source of all that's negative in me.
Please note, I did not say "man" is proving to be the source of all that's negative in me, I said "MY lack of confidence in..." My reactions are to blame. My brokenness. My wounds. My thoughts and attitudes. I am not blaming anyone for my anger. I confess that it is MINE. And I am taking my issues, to my Father, who has the power to heal me.
I know enough to take anger to God if I want to be rid of it. I remember going to Him years ago and saying, "God, I'm trying to forgive but it's not working! [After SEVEN years] What is MY problem!" And He instantly replied, "You've been selfish, self-centred and self-focused." I thought about that for a second, and realised, "Oh, yeah..." and instantly I accepted that and was free of the anger I held towards that particular issue and person.
This time, it's not so easy because it's been a collection of things. I stored the emotions, but didn't label where they came from. But now I know a major issue is the lack of confidence I have in man, and how that is causing me to withdraw from the world, which hinders me from truly loving as God does. And THAT, above all else, I cannot live with. I KNOW God is love. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He loves the world. I KNOW He has called me to love, and to reflect His love to the world. I know LOVE is my number one ministry... and I want it with ALL that I am, but until this anger is gone, until He can breakthrough my attitude and give me His eyes for the world, I will never succeed in my mission...
So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, please don't think it's you I'm pulling away from. I love you. You know I do. But I'm a wounded and dying soul, and if I don't find healing, the love I do give may leave me, and I can't have that. In my absence, know that I have gone to the Father in order to be healed, and to have my heart restored, because I DO love you; because I DO want to love; because I DO want to love everyone - even 'them' as God has loved me, through Christ Jesus.
I'll write as often as I can. This may take weeks, or it may take a few minutes. But however long it takes, I do plan to write as many letters as possible, to let you know where I'm at, and what God is doing in my life and heart... And while I'm more silent than normal, please know that I do not hold anything against you. I love you. I want to love. I don't rejoice over anger or my attitude. And know that I will return with the power to love you even more, and to even love and forgive my enemy more earnestly. God will give me answers. His truth will heal me and set me free. And life will go on... with a greater awareness of true love, peace, and humility... and, when I return, when I am restored, I will return to love you more completely...