1 Corinthians 1:25
Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men
and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
...yet, many times we still heed the opinion of man more than the wisdom and strength of God. Many times it is the groaning of our flesh we pay attention to, even to the point of bowing to it.
Lately, it's my flesh that's been doing a great deal of talking, and I've taken in to consideration every word it's said ~ or mumbled. My flesh is not pleased with several things of late. So I [basically] ask it what's wrong... I analyse. That's what I do. I find answers that do anything but impress me. I do not approve of what I find, of my actions and reactions, then I find I am greatly disappointed with the human side of me, and pretty darn soon I've allowed that disappointment to usher in criticism and frustration, which not only causes more actions and reactions I am far from pleased with, but effects those who are standing too close to me when I inwardly snap. Nice, huh... :'/
I travel this particular path because, according to my Self-Analyser, I should be a better person ~ far more loving, far more giving, far more forgiving, far better in action and reaction than what I have allowed myself to be at times, with no room for imperfections... And when it is discovered (by me) that I am not, well......... a new level of 'flesh' (or EGO) awakens and wants to rule: The Legalist... aka The Strict, No-Nonsense Bitch...
So, through this particular journey ~ and many like it ~ I've gone from heeding the "wisdom" of my temperamental flesh to heeding the demands of the legalistic flesh. And Mood will ensure I heed their 'wise' voices over that of God's... Mood tells me the above scripture is wrong; that my 'feelings' know better than God, and, like a dufus :) I believe it!
Neither the temperamental flesh, nor the legalistic flesh, speaks for God, yet...how quick are we to agree with what we feel...? Well, you may not be, but I certainly am...unfortunately.
God once placed on my heart "Donna, everyone is allowed to react however they want, but you bring your every emotion to Me." Man, did I fail! After a time of attempting to do this, I whined, "God, it's not working..." to which He replied, "Bring your emotions to Me before you claim them..." Now THAT was much easier. Something would 'hit' me and cause a reaction, then I'd run to God, say, "Look! This is what I am feeling!" and leave it with Him. Which was fantastic, as I didn't have to worry about it...
Ah, but then the analytical side of me would eventually find its voice again and demand to be heard, and before I knew it we were in a conference and I was taking notes of this old sage's wisdom! :'/ ...In the key of C "Dumb duh dumb dumb...!" ;)
Is there anything more stubborn than an old habit! I thought a cat did well with nine lives - but that's nothing compared to an old habit! :)
Yesterday afternoon ~ after I had found the above scripture and started jotting down thoughts towards it ~ I abruptly landed in a place where I was willing for my life to be over. I'd simply had enough of living... I said, "God, I'm ready to die now..." Sounds a bit fatalistic, doesn't it.
Here I was, only a couple of months after walking out of depression, after finally finding peace and joy in my life, suddenly losing heart in every area of my life. As quickly as it takes to switch of a light, my joy had been switched off, and I instantly forgot what there was to celebrate about life ~ including God.
I was not feeling sorry for myself. Suicide WAS NOT something I was swaying towards. There was no "woe is me" sensation flowing through the corridors of my soul, or anything like that. I just figured I'd been here long enough. It was all so cut and dried, with no real emotion involved. It was as though I were standing back from my life, emotionally detached from it, and simply weighing up my worth, as I saw it... I simply realised (or analysed) "I don't have much to offer this world, God. I make no contribution to society... And, God, You know darn well Tim would be better off with someone else..." [who likes housework!!! :D ]
I did however have to stop and ask, "God, are you trying to tell me something...? Is that why this 'mood' or clinical thinking has been allowed to come upon me...?" And while I figured that was a strong possibility, for He's often allowed things to come over me simply to teach me something and pass it on to others, I returned to analyse my state of mind, lol, and all but drove myself into a state of lunacy! :)
Then, I woke up this morning, finding 'heavy mode' was still with me, rolled over, hugged my hubby and questioned, "Why...?" Why do what I do? Why write? Why take photos...? and I realised I had lost my love of writing and of photography. It was as though it had become a business, and that was stopping the flow of creativity and LOVE...
So I figured it was time to say, "God, THIS is what I'm feeling... Can you deal with it, please...?" and then pushed myself into a new day...
As Tim drove the kids to school, I sat beside him and started to record the above thoughts, and that's when God nudged me, and my spirit heard Him softly say, "Find the beauty in everything..." and as He said that, I knew He wants me to find the beauty in everything AND, through writing, through photography, through living, through everything I do, share that beauty with the rest of the world... Immediately, my sense of purpose returned, my sense of who I am in Him returned, my joy returned, as did my love of writing and photography...
I do not like the analytical side of my brain, that tries to see black and white and sought everything into its proper place. My creative side tries to obey it, but... :'/ It clashes with my artistic side... My artistic side is not the temperamental side of me, believe it or not. It is peaceful and loving, and celebrates the beauty in everyone and everything... but so quiet and timid is it, that when the analytical side of me stirs, it is crushed and shoved into a dark corner, where it waits for someone to rescue it... and the 'bitch' moves in to take over...! [Can you see my eye twitchin'...! :D]
I only just realised that, ay... On writing this, I only just realised why there is a war taking place inside of me. The Legalist, the Demanding Bitch, the Analyst, or whatever you wish to call that part of me, knows right from wrong and seeks perfection... and the Artistic side of me just wants to breathe, to love, to admire the butterfly, to feel the rain on my skin, the ocean on my feet, and to just be, without worrying about how dirty I may get in the process.
I see now that somewhere in my life there came people who expected me to push aside the artistic me, and be the legalists they were. I see now that those people may have left my world, but their voices remained, and they were/are still interfering with my life.
I am a strong believer in using our God-given gifts. I strongly believe that when we use them - be it writing, poetry, photography, art, or whatever gifts you KNOW you have (including mercy, giving, serving, and such) - God meets us there. Our 'natural' gifts, I do believe, are from God, and He's given them to us not just to have fun with, but as a place to meet with us in, and for us to share the 'beauty' with the rest of the world... The Legalist will shut down your gifts, dry you out, and leave you to die as they walk off in pride...even the legalist within...
Lately, my mood has been anything but beautiful, and my reactions less than Godly ~ which I deeply regret and repent, and apologise for... but in my weakness and stupidity, He comes, bringing with Him His wisdom and st... and, once again, He makes all things right...
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.