Dear Friend,
He got me a beauty... :) God, that is. Hit me right in the core of my heart, through someone I didn't expect Him to use, in a way I would never have guessed, revealing my heart to me in a new light.
This is so hard to talk about, because I fear looking as though I am boasting in me, but I'm not. This is all God's doing. All I did was open my heart and let Him in. He's done the rest. And He's moving quite quickly, I feel. It actually feels like I'm being operated on, with the Master's hands, which cause no pain whatsoever; each action producing greater healing. I can see myself laying on the table, watching Him operate on my heart, smiling up at Him, while He sees me from the corner of His eye, smiling as He fixes me... There's love in His eyes. :)
*sigh*
Anyway...
I was sharing an email on my photo site today, when (long story short) my friend suggested living as though I had one year left to live. In only having that year, how would I live...? It had me searching my heart, I tell ya. And this was my earnest response, word for word:
- ‘tears’
If I only had one year to live… I’d live for others. I’d love more. I’d give of myself more. I’d encourage more. I’d dig deeper into their soul and reflect back to them their incredible, unique beauty, and their vast worth. I’d find hope, joy, beauty, love, grace, and mercy as though they were gems to be found in the earth, and I would dig them up – no matter what it takes – to give to others… If I had only one year left to live… that’s exactly what I’d do.
I cried like a girl on realising this. ;) In fact, I cried so hard - while squatting in my kitchen (laptop was on stove while I was tidying kitchen) - the rib I broke a couple of months ago started to ache again... I was both humbled and ashamed at the same time. Humbled to learn that I don't hold hatred in my heart, no matter what anger I was holding onto... but shame because of the anger I've held and allowed to lead my actions, reactions and decisions at times - that in no way resembled the above desire.
While crying before God, having nothing to hide (as far as I know! lol) I repented again for the anger within, and how I used it to protect myself without realising it; so sorry for the damage it's caused - in several ways and in several relationships.
But you know what... I still have leftover insecurities from when I was a child. My breath still gets caught behind a web on anxiety at the thought of reaching out, stepping out, and such. I felt it on reviewing the next step, in light of the above. I thought, "Gee, God... my spirit is willing but my flesh just wants to hide..."
What's made that reaction worse over the years, I guess, is the many closed doors I received when daring to step out. I sit here now, wanting to use the above heart, to love and live like that, but fear comes to sit on my chest, poking it hard with its warnings, causing me to remain still...
So...
Here I am again, God... handing over to You the dread that was hiding in the shadows of anger... Help me to live and love freely... Lead me in the next step...
I gotta go, Friend... Confessing this before you is so not easy. I am not proud of my lack of confidence and courage. I feel both ashamed and vulnerable... But I know God will fix this, too... and I tell you of it because I want you to see that God does heal, God does free, freedom is achievable in this life - without anger, hatred, fear and any other negative reactions and emotions we tend to pick up over the years.
I end this with fear of your response to learning I'm not as confident as the edited photos proclaim me to be. But I also end it knowing God is not finished with me yet... :) Life, love and freedom is what He is placing in my heart as He continues to operate. He will help me to embrace and function more freely in these things, so much so that being me will be a joy - despite all my shortcomings :) - and I will know great freedom, joy and peace in loving...
Be back as soon as the next step is achieved... *gulp* ;)
With love and humility
Your friend ~ for life, I hope...
Donna
xoxoxox
PS. I am a STRONG believer that I love because HE FIRST LOVED ME... :) When I boast, it is in His heart, His love, mercy and grace, that I boast. His heart. His Spirit. It is by His power, and by the stripes of Jesus Christ that I am healed. I know love because of what they have given me since I opened my heart to them...
Anyway... until next time...
I love you. :)
xxx