I've been trying to write this all afternoon and evening, but the amount of distractions I've had won't allow me to complete it, so I've chosen to send the main part of it, and will continue my thoughts in another letter at a later time.
I wanted you to know that I am not proud of myself for having this anger. Gee, I can hardly remember where most of it came from, it's been stored in there for that long. But, I can't deny it. It is real. It is here inside me, like a led ball buried in the pit of my chest.
I don't like having this anger. I don't want it. I don't want to seek vengeance, vindication or anything else. I don't need anyone to apologise for anything. I don't need what was wrong made right. I am so willing to get over it and move on. Gee, I already thought I had... But, it's darn obvious now I hadn't.
Last week, when God first brought my attention to the anger I hold deep within, I thought He'd gotten it wrong... but He hadn't - of course. :) I can so feel it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was a solid ball of anger planted just behind my breastbone. I can visualise reaching in and removing it with both hands, knowing the weight of it is great... and I know it is not where my heart should be, but settled on top of my heart and crushing it; squeezing the life force out of it.
I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be an angry person. Gee, if I did, I wouldn't have buried the anger, disappointment, brokenness, etc and so on, in the first place. I would've let rip and tore 'their' heads off and saved me a great deal of energy - energy that I used to suppress what I was feeling... No, I don't want to be angry with anyone. I don't want to hold anything against anyone. By God's grace I have been forgiven for the sins I have committed, and I crave to offer that same grace, mercy and love to others. I really do.
This is where I am going to leave this letter for now, because deeper thought is being hindered by 'life'. I'll be back again tomorrow, I hope... and plan. But I sign off setting my heart before God, repenting for all vanity and anger, and trusting and KNOWING that HE will continue to work on this heart of mine so I can love on a deeper level and far more completely, earnestly and openly...
If I could have one more gift in this life, it would be to love the world as God does.
All my love