Last week, I spent 5 days seeking God more fervently than I normally do. He had told me several weeks ago that I had lost heart in writing, and as I watched my heart draw back from other things in my life, that I once held great passion for, I knew it was only a matter of time before the same thing occurred in my relationship with God, my husband, and our children. I desperately needed to find my heart again, so, extra time alone with God was needed.
During the 5 days, no major breakthrough struck me. On the fifth day I arrived at a place where memories of my mother found me, and I longed to see her again - though I was somewhat saddened by the fact that that will not happen until I am in Heaven. Later on in the day more tears were found when I realised I could no longer deny how seriously ill a dearly-loved member of my extended family is. And, through it all, I must confess I was somewhat disappointed that God hadn't restored my heart as I had hoped He would, but, rather, allowed more heartache to weigh heavily upon my heart, bringing with it a sense of hopelessness.
Day 6 arrived and I woke with more disappointment, wondering what God was doing, but still knowing He was with me... only, I just wished He'd talk a little louder and tell me what it was I needed to hear in order to have my heart up and running again. But, then... a conversation with a friend, reflections upon life, closed doors, lost dreams and such arrived, and suddenly I was given an image of a rug, under which my heart had been swept... I found it. Finally, God had shown me where my heart was: I had swept it under a rug... And now here it was before me... broken...
Oh, the tears I wept on finding it. Not because I was grateful God had revealed its hiding place, but because there in the midst of the jagged pieces, I found a great deal of heartache, that I had been turning my back to for quite sometime. I hadn't wept that heavily in ages...
I was not impressed with where God had brought me. Not impressed at all. I was hoping He'd simply restore my heart to where it once was, so I would once again find pleasure in writing and such. Not for one minute did I think He'd show me this - nor was I aware of the brokenness I still possessed.
God has healed my heart of many things, but it was now clear to me that there were longings, hopes and dreams that I swept beneath the carpet, along with the grief that comes when dreams aren't realised, when doors are closed, when hopes are dashed. Rather than deal with the grief these things produced, I buried it. But they weren't dead. They were simply covered over and ignored. Only, while I was ignoring them, they were eating at my heart, causing me to become more and more disheartened each time another door closed, or I was forced to let go of yet another dream - such as in having to cancel the counseling course that I had so longed to do.
So, here I was with these broken pieces of my heart, preferring they were never discovered, and somewhat disappointed with God that this was all He revealed to me, until, in my husband's arms this morning, I cried and shared the above with him, and he said, "But that's a good thing. A broken and contrite heart is a good thing. God can work with that. Otherwise it's too prideful and good for nothing..." and wah-lah! my heart found hope once more.
I know where my heart is now... It's no longer under any rugged, hidden and ignored. It's in God's hands.
God once told me to bring my every emotion to Him, but for some reason I only do that when anger is involved. I realise now that I didn't take disappointment, and the grief that produces, to Him. I buried it. I swept it under the carpet, hoping it would magically disappear. But it didn't. However, now, though I'm yet to have God unravel this mess I've collected over the years and set me free of it, I have been given the peace that goes beyond all understanding again. :)
It's not a fair trade, is it? I give God all the broken pieces of my heart, along with all the mess that disappointment, grief and a host of other emotions produce, and, in exchange - and while He's cleaning it all up for me, He gives me peace and a greater knowing that He really loves me, that He will once again turn all things for good, and life is, and will be, worth living again.
To say our God is an awesome God is an understatement... And to know Him really IS to love Him!