The second time around
It's cold outside
the Autumn wind blows -
a bitter-sweet reminder
that seasons come and go.
My weary head rests
on pillows warm and soft,
my weary heart mourns
for all that it's lost.
A tear silent and icy
slips from the corner of my eye,
as I remember the places we once traversed
with me by Your side.
I remember the hope
the faith, and the joy so fresh and true,
I recall when my heart awoke to love, grace and mercy
and was renewed.
I remember when dreams were young
and the impossible could be reached;
but now I cry over dreams discarded
and hope deceased.
But I will trust -
even in heartache's depths,
that You, Father God,
will give my soul rest.
I know You will take
what my hands tainted with such ease,
and make all things good
and renew a right spirit within me...
~*~
It's not easy starting again, when you look back and see how great everything was when you started the first time; when your eyes are opened to just how much you've lost, and how far back you've travelled - or, should I say, slipped.
I suppose such a moment can be likened to realising you've walked two steps forward and one step back, but, right now, in all honesty, knowing where I once was in my walk with God, and how close I was to Him compared to where I am right now, it feels like five steps forward, eleven steps back.
As a new Christian, back in 1991, and for a long time to follow, I discovered faith was a gift God had given directly to my heart. I was, as I'd claimed back then, an instant faith person. I soon learned to recognise God's voice, and soon learned to embrace His love and beauty.
However, while I knew in my heart that God was and is, and while experience after experience soon proved His existence in my life, and while He generously gave me revelation after revelation to heal the brokenness of the heart I carried up until crying out to Him at the age of 26, I naively believed that all would be well in the world.
It wasn't. But that was ok, for God was near and He spoke to my heart every time it cried out to Him and sought answers. But time went by and disillusionment set in. Not with God, but with people. I learned, though, that our hope is not to be placed in "man" but in God and God alone. To place hope in "man" or in things will soon see us disillusioned, because unlike God, such things are not perfect.
And I knew that. And I had to learn to forgive myself for being human and not perfect. I also had to forgive others for the same reason - though, until God pointed it out, I was unaware that sort of judgement was in me... I expected too much, and I had no right to. So, I learned the hard way to lower expectations and raise the level of acceptance I offered others.
Over the years, God gave me much revelation, and with it came great healing and freedom...
I'm not sure exactly what went wrong, other than, as I walked my spiritual path, I took my eyes off God, off His love, off the way He accepts and welcomes everyone, forever willing to forgive and help them start again, and I placed them on unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the aching in my heart, and so on, until each single step, put together, found me way off God's path.
I know, by knowing God's heart and from experience, that to get back on God's path and head in the right direction, I just have to turn back to God with my whole heart, and, there I am, back where I left God, and where He stood and waited for me to return.
And I know, by faith and experience, He's willing to let me pick up from where I left off. He doesn't seek for me to start from scratch. He instantly forgives and instantly wants to be in full communion with me... with all of us. But my heart is the problem now.
I feel distant from Him... even though I KNOW He is with me and never left me; even though I know He loves me as though I've never sinned; even though I know that His mercy is new every single day and offered freely through all Jesus accomplished while here on earth. My head knows what is, but my heart still feels the wounds I caused.
However, God has not taken faith from me. I know Him. I know His love for me - for all of us. I know He is willing to wipe away all my sins and help me (you; us) rise again. I don't doubt that. And it's in knowing these things that my heart can get back up and head off on this journey again.
Honestly, if it wasn't for the hope and faith God places in my heart, as the gifts they are, I very much doubt I would have the strength to believe in "happily ever after." I know He is here. I know He forgives and makes all things new and turns all things for good. I know He still has a plan for my life - and He never gives up on any of us, even when we give up on others and ourselves.
So...
I will trust -
even in heartache's depths,
that You, Father God,
will give my soul rest.
I know You will take
what my hands tainted with such ease,
and make all things good
and renew a right spirit within me...
and as I wait
for You to make my heart whole
I will praise You with earnest appreciation
and let the world know
that
in You, there is always hope
Your love and mercy never fades
and even though we, Your children, stumble in the darkness
You cover us in Your beauty, Your love, and never-ending grace.
~ Thank You, Father ~
even in heartache's depths,
that You, Father God,
will give my soul rest.
I know You will take
what my hands tainted with such ease,
and make all things good
and renew a right spirit within me...
and as I wait
for You to make my heart whole
I will praise You with earnest appreciation
and let the world know
that
in You, there is always hope
Your love and mercy never fades
and even though we, Your children, stumble in the darkness
You cover us in Your beauty, Your love, and never-ending grace.
~ Thank You, Father ~